Blockers directed by Kay Cannon

Image result for blockers movie images

I would never pay money to see something like this. Not voluntarily. It might be totally awesome to a majority of people but I have a bit of a confession to make to you guys.

Blockers is Total Shit. Avoid!

I didn't like Something About Mary.
I didn't like 40 year old virgin, not really anyway. I pretended to for a couple minutes after seeing it to make the people I saw it with happy. 
I didn't like Superbad.
I didn't like The Hangover.
I didn't like Bridesmaids.
I haven't liked any Melissa McCarthy movie yet.

Grossout comedies?  I like County Fair comedians more. Grossout Romantic Comedies? I would prefer a county fair ventriloquist.

While I will admit that I do think gross out gags are cheap, lowest common denominator humor, that's never what really bothers me. There is something else that irks me, about these movies, and that is that these stories kind of serve as models for and about the type of people we can be. The type of people that its socially acceptable to be like or not be like. This is nothing new, and to be sure its a function of any story, any movie. You are supposed to identify with characters going through shit that is like what you are going through, or could be going through. 

In no other genre is this so blatantly obvious to the point that it feels like active propaganda for selfish mean spirited stupidity. I think about comedies before the gross out shit started being pumped out. I think about Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase in foul play and how if they remade it today the "writers" would spin a wheel of bodily fluids and Goldie Hahn would fall in a vat of it and it would be fucking terrible and that is the best that Hollywood is capable of and its just pure Crappola of the worst kind. 

Also in these movies the angry people(protagonists) are supposed to be saying smart funny dialogue with jokes and not only is it never funny it doesn't sound like jokes. It just sounds like an irritated sarcastic asshole talking. If there is an opposite of wit, we have arrived at a place beyond the edge of it. 

So, anyway.

This is a movie for the people of today.  Dumbshits.
The adults are angry narcissistic assholes for no reason.
I didn't relate to any of them,  and maybe it's my fault?
I didn't even like the show Friends.

Blockers from the the director of all three Perfect Pitch Movies tells the story of people my age relating to their high school age children's sexuality with hostility.

Maybe it's because I don't have children, or a normal person's life. The lives portrayed on screen are intended to be eminently relatable. Maybe if I were a parent I could relate.  I didn't.

So this is the Junior Varsity Judd Apatow Gross out romcom B-team.

Leslie Mann, Judd Apatow's wife, I think she's pretty. I always want to like her in these movies. She's even believable as an actress in some ways. She can do heart to heart displays of honesty, she can do sarcasm, she can do histrionic ditz who freaks out until she cries. And that's about it. Huge range on display.

John Cena, the poor man. He's a tank. He's used as a buffoon here. Big tough guy who is sensitive. It's played for "laughs" over and over and over. His acting is noticeably wooden at the start and his delivery actually improves as the movie plays out. Emasculating things happen and he shows his ass a lot and he even debases himself by shoving a beer bong up his ass in a long scene that was very much not meant for my comedic sensibilities. It was both Gross, and implied gayness so it must be hilarious to someone.
Image result for blockers movie images
Image result for blockers movie images

Ike Berenholz. I liked him on MadTV. He plays the annoying guy in this one. Not good in the movie.
Hannibal Burress, Gary Cole, June Diane Raphael, and Gina Gershon show up. I like them all. I didn't get a single laugh from a single one of them. The kids were not funny either, but you can't blame them here.

So the Asshole Parents try to track down their asshole children to stop them from fucking on prom night.

It's terrible. It's disgusting. it's not funny at all.

It's a feel good movie in the sense that feeling complete alienation from my generation (late generation X) might mean I'm still alive.

It makes me feel better about not having children in my youth like a normal asshole.
Blockers is garbage! And I hope this type of movie dies. It's time.


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